Part Two Julie's Story: The Light in the Darkness

                In the song “Time to Say Goodbye”, there is a line that says, “There is no light in a room where there is no sun.” Well, disregarding electricity and candles and whatnot, there really is no light in a room where there is no sun. And the sun is hope. The sun is brilliant, enlightening, and cheerful. However, you can only fully embrace the beauty of the sun if you open your eyes. Otherwise, you only get a small part of its glory.

                In April of 2013, I encountered the hardest trial of my life up to date. I came to a point where I thought there was no light in the room I was trapped in. There were no windows; the sun was gone; and I was completely alone, or at least I thought I was. I felt there was no escape from the darkness that surrounded me, but I had never thought of opening my eyes.

                In April of 2013, I encountered a fierce battle with Satan called depression. I was ending school and happened to be very stressed and very sick. Soon after school ended, though, my life tipped upside-down. I had no motivation. I had no purpose. I had no joy. I had no light. I would sit on my bed at night and just sob. Suicidal thoughts would creep into my head, which I would try to dispel by reminding myself that I did not necessarily want to talk to God on the other side about killing myself. So I stayed alive, but I did not live. Instead, I zeroed in on myself and my issues in activities I viewed as relieving and relaxing, but I found no joy there.

                Nobody knew. Nobody knew about my depression for about a month. Sure, my family could see the tears streaming down my cheeks, but I don’t think anyone imagined them to be caused by such a monster as depression. I was miserable. I hated myself. I thought I wasn’t good enough, that I was inadequate in every way. Many of my passions slipped away and lost all meaning to me. I just waited there, hoping that someone – anyone – would come riding in and kick Satan out of my life.

                And then I went to Costa Rica. Months before, I had felt strongly that I needed to go on a service trip to Costa Rica with my Spanish teacher. I had never realized what a balm of Gilead, what a life saver that would be.

                While in Costa Rica, I engaged in a manual labor service project. I spent hours in a pit in the ground, digging a nursery for baby mangrove trees. I was muddy, sweaty, and in a foreign land, and I can honestly say it was one of the most joyful times of my life. I ran outside in the rain with my arms wide open. I didn’t care what people thought. The depression left. Why? Because I had stopped thinking of myself. When there is something wrong with you, you can in no way solve it by selfishly hogging your time, talents, and abilities to yourself. So as soon as I let go of myself, I found myself. I found myself talking to a tree in the middle of a storm in the darkness outside. I found myself singing and smiling and being free. I found God. I found a light.

                And then we left the service project and moved on to the next city. I became depressed. I hated myself. While my roommate napped, I would hug my knees to my chest and cry. I would write letters to God pleading with Him to take the pain away. I eventually admitted to my roommate that I suffered from depression. She was shocked. She would have never guessed. She would have never known.

                I returned home. I struggled still some with depression. And I still do. But I have found that it cannot be solved by ignoring it, focusing on it, or sitting in a corner with your nose in a book. Life is largely about finding who you are, and Satan is largely about making sure that never happen; hence the lovely feeling of depression. But depression can definitely be eased. Scripture study was my lifeline. Service was my anchor. Staying busy was a definite help.

                Now, as I am largely over my depression, I can look back and smile. While I could not see back then, now I can see that there truly was a sun – the Son – in that dark room and dark time. My relationship with my Savior deepened. My love for the scriptures broadened. My reliance upon God increased. I would never trade those days for anything, not even happiness. Because I have found what I failed to find then – that God brings me joy. I do not need life to be perfect – I do not need to be perfect – in order to feel joy. But I do need to follow Him. I do need to serve others. So even if Satan throws the winds my way, I know that it is upon the rock of my Redeemer I am planted. And that gives me hope. I just wish I would have opened my eyes sooner and basked in the hope of His Son.